The missing step

In highschool I had a best friend named Tim. I was a young religious innocent. He was a normal teenager, but he had a problem with alcohol. Eventually he found help through Alcoholics Anonymous.

At first it seemed like a good thing as addition through subtraction usually is. But then it turned ugly. I was a young once divorced twice married man who discovered alcohol myself to no ill effect. He was all in with AA, nothing was more important to him. Not even our friendship. When he found out that my new wife and I imbibed he could not accept us. So a friendship that lasted through thick and thin from ages 16-30 was over. It was not allowed by his sponsor. I was crushed.

So I came to my dislike of AA honestly. I was involved in something equally destructive: the Christian faith. But I walked away from Jesus and never looked back. Years later I found the only fellowship I could trust at a bar. As my second marriage disintegrated my relationship with my bar strengthened. Decades later my loneliness remained as my solution became destructive. So I sought medical help and have done my best to live sober. While AA was the fallback suggestion, it reminded me of my lost friendship and the Church. I couldn't fall back and return to a truly abusive relationship with Jesus.

So at 59 I've had open heart surgery to repair my aorta and been diagnosed with diabetes and diastolic heart failure. Well I was 58 when I had the heart surgery, the other two were diagnosed the last few weeks. My body was abused by me with alcohol, hypertension and the most destructive of all loneliness and despair. Too many heartbreaks lead to a truly broken heart.

Many have shown me love and support, but a few use my weight and health as a cudgel. Since my new heart diagnosis a few tell me they hope I die soon, called me a loser and claimed that my passion for activism helped no one.

Recently I reviewed the twelve steps. I found them focused on regret and guilt. From confessing powerlessness to making amends. By the time I got to the twelfth step I thought surely the journey must end on a positive note but no, only an admonishment to recruit new members.

My first thought this morning was to write new steps. As any writer can tell you if you overreach you strain the life out of the piece.

So if you are addicted to drugs or alcohol, shopping, Jesus or any other group you are taking the easy road to transformation.

Anybody or any group that sniffs out your regret attaches itself to you like a leech. It is filling that hole created by removing your addiction forcing you to subsume your dignity in exchange for their acceptance.

So I said all that to say this: love yourself. You are no more defined by your failings as you are your successes. Be fiercely independent. Demand dignity without compromise. Feel bad about your bad choices and feel good about your good choices. Know that you are not one thing but a collection of beautiful fragile fragments that prove you are strong. A relationship with you is a privilege. You are not fragile like a dime store water pitcher that breaks at the first stress. You are like Waterford crystal, beautifully delicate on the outside, lead on the inside.

Help others by giving and showing not by recruiting. Be a good person and stubbornly accept advice only on your terms. You do not serve the world as a cipher. Be proud of yourself and simply live.